


And So They Say (For Everything A Reason)

by joidianne4eva



Category: Darker Side - Poppy Z. Brite, The Losers (2010), The Losers (Comic), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M, Nephilim, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-30
Updated: 2013-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-30 23:29:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1024674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joidianne4eva/pseuds/joidianne4eva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes when Jensen was tired enough he liked to tell people that he’d seen the face of God. </p><p>What Jensen didn’t tell people was how or when he’d accomplished said miraculous event. He didn’t tell them that his first real memory was of a fire made of bodies and he didn’t tell them that one of those bodies had been his mother’s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And So They Say (For Everything A Reason)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [el_gilliath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/el_gilliath/gifts).



> Huge thanks to Saral_Hylor for the read through and to Cougars_Catnip for the read through and beta, you two are awesomesauce!
> 
> This is heavily based on a story from the Darker Side by Poppy Z. Brite and is my Samhain and Dia de los Muertos entry for this year which I'm gifting to el_gilliath. 
> 
> I blame most of the creepiness and general weirdness on AHS.

Sometimes when Jensen was tired enough he liked to tell people that he’d seen the face of God. People usually had different reactions to that though most of them tried to ignore him and Jensen was more than alright with that response because if his sister ever found out that he’d told anyone that, she’d probably rip his heart out and tap dance on it.

Jasmine was terrifying like that.

What Jensen didn’t tell people was how or when he’d accomplished said miraculous event. He didn’t tell them that his first real memory was of a fire made of bodies and he didn’t tell them that one of those bodies had been his mother’s.

He’d been lucky that Jasmine was the first born or he would’ve died there…starved to death when the people who’d forced his mother’s actions fled because there was no way that a five year old child could’ve survived on his own. But Jasmine  had been there, only eight and made up of nothing but gangly limbs, if she was to be believed.  Jensen didn’t remember anything about that day…nothing but the smell of the fire and Jasmine’s face.

He remembered things later…..he remembered sitting in what was left of their small house while Jazzy searched the other houses for food and information. Sometimes he remembered a macabre parade of organs that passed their window at night as he and his sister hid, trying to block out the screams that had started the night after the fire.

Jasmine had told him once that the island used to be quiet. She said that their mother’s people didn’t talk much because they didn’t think they deserved to and that she’d only learnt her words from their father….Mark Jensen. The man had died trying to protect them and though he’d failed, he’d ensured that his daughter, his new born son and his wife were hidden when the invaders came….he’d succeeded and they’d managed to stay hidden for five years before they’d been found.  Though Jensen was too young to remember the man he liked to listen to Jasmine’s stories because they helped him forget what was happening outside.

Jensen’s mother had been special, even at five Jensen had known that and at twelve he still believed it. He hadn’t needed proof but if it had been needed then he could use the tail and horns that she kept so carefully hidden as a reason for his belief. What Jensen had hated was the sorrow that his mother wore like a cloak, Jazzy  told him once that his mother was sad because she wasn’t wanted but Jensen couldn’t understand that because how could anyone not want his mother? Especially when she smelt like cinnamon all the time and gave the best hugs?

All of that seemed like a lifetime away when they were hiding from the monsters that stole body parts in the dead of night, in truth they survived on their own for seven years but to Jensen it had felt like forever.

They didn’t leave their house much and when they did, Jasmine always led him away from the houses that the invaders had built but Jake had already seen the blood drenched streets and the bodies lying there with gaping holes. Once while Jasmine had been asleep he’d crept outside because he’d wanted to see the things that made the sounds. He hadn’t believed Jasmine ’s stories that the things he’d been hearing were monsters and he’d been partially right. He’d stood hidden in the shadow of the abandoned house that they’d called their own and watched as a parade of feet passed him, bloody stumps marching to an unheard song as the screams rose from the houses around him and Jake had fled because monsters didn’t have feet but he and Jasmine did.

Jasmine had two rules for when they ventured out…..never make a sound and never look up. The first rule was easy enough to follow because the wails of the not-monsters blotted out any sound that Jake made. The second was harder because he’d remembered one other thing on the day of the fire and it was that his mother and all the people like her had been staring at the skies even as their bodies burned to ash. Sometimes Jake caught a glimpse of the huge expanse above their heads in shards of broken glass strewn across the empty streets, he couldn’t see anything up there to be afraid of but Jasmine  was adamant that the rule was for their protection. So Jake kept his head down and followed her as they foraged for food and at night when Jasmine was asleep Jake watched body parts parade past their window and he wondered about the world that existed outside of the island because surely there was more out there.

It was that thought that almost killed him.

 

*O*

Jake followed Jasmine down the silent streets….well the streets weren’t truly silent but by now the low moans of pain that echoed from within the locked houses were so familiar that Jake could easily ignore them. Jasmine  always checked the houses before leading him inside and Jake was starting to think that his sister knew more about the things that were making the sounds than she had said. But Jasmine was the only person he had now that their mother was gone and Jake knew that everything she did was for his benefit.

Jasmine stopped in front of one of silent houses, trying the door handle and like so many of the ones before the door opened like whoever had lived here had never thought of shutting it.

Jasmine signalled for Jake to stay before slipping into the darkness of the house. Jake frowned as he glanced down the street and waited for her to come back. This was always the boring part because nothing ever…..

The crackle of something moving in the bushes to his right snapped Jake from his thoughts as the hedge shook.

Jake took a step backwards as the hedge shook again before the leaves parted to reveal a bloody face. Jake started, the surprised gasp dying in his throat as the eyes of the face focused on him and then the person, because this was no monster, dragged themself further out of the bushes.

Jake stumbled backwards bile rising in his throat as he caught sight of the bloody stumps where the person’s hands had been and as the body left the bushes he could see that their feet had suffered the same fate. Jake didn’t know if the person in front of him was a man or woman but they were nothing like his mother or her people. This person had no horns hidden in their hair and there was no tail wrapped tightly around their exposed back.  Jake and Jasmine  didn’t have horns either but they did have their tails, tightly wrapped around their leg at all times to keep them out of the way. His mother had told that their father was the reason why they were different, why they were so special though she’d never explained how their father had caused that.

“You boy….” The thing rasped and Jake froze even though he knew he could outrun it. “Why aren’t you hurt? Where did you come from?!” the body demanded and Jake shook his head. All the words that he constantly spewed at Jasmine  frozen in his throat even as the thing came closer.

“Get away from him!”

Jasmine’s voice shattered the trance that seemed to have fallen over him and Jake’s breath whooshed from his chest as familiar hands pulled him back against his sister’s body.

The thing’s eyes moved then focusing on Jasmine  and it bared its teeth in a horrible parody of a smile as it collapsed, the bloody stumps splaying out on either side of it as it laughed. “I know you….Michael’s little half-breed,” It choked out.

“You shut up about my dad!” Jasmine shouted as she yanked on Jake’s shoulder trying to shove him behind her but Jake’s attention was focused on the thing.

“A half-breed?”

“Didn’t she tell you? Her dad was human like me but her mother…..filthy scum,” the person spat.

Jasmine’s fingers tightened on Jake’s shoulder but Jake was responding before she could say a word.

“Don’t talk about my mom like that!”

The face narrowed its eyes and now that Jake focused he realized that the person was actually a woman though the blood that matted her hair and face made it hard to realize. “She didn’t tell you, did she?” the woman started, a cruel smile stretching across her cracked lips. “Didn’t she tell you what your mother was? Didn’t she tell you about how they turned their backs on us until we made them see us and even then they were too cowardly to fight back instead they chose the easy way out and do you know what they did…..?”

“Shut up!” Jasmine screamed, yanking on Jake’s arm but nothing could make him move not now, not with the woman’s cold blood-shot eyes staring at him not when she knew the truth.

“Do you know the biggest sin that the angels could commit? It was to lay with man and create children, so God turned away from those children and because they were the product of a sin their shame and what they represented kept them from looking on the face of God. They never looked at the sky until that night…..but I’m sure you know all about that night don’t you, little half-breed?”

“Jake, don’t listen to her,” Jasmine whispered but Jake could hear the terror in her voice and when he turned to face her, the truth was written plainly on her face.

“Mom said we were special…..she said they were special.”

“We are!” Jasmine stressed. “We are and what they had to suffer wasn’t because of anything they’d done…..”

“Then why didn’t you tell me!” Jake yelled, shaking his head like he could make the words disappear if he tried hard enough.

“Because maybe we aren’t like that….maybe…..” Jasmine trailed off and for the first time Jake didn’t see the teenager who’d helped raise him, he just saw a scared girl who was trying to survive and for what? Soon the food they scavenged would run out and with no way to leave the island it would just be a matter of time before they starved to death.

“You think you aren’t just as dirty as they were just because your father was one of us?” the woman snorted. “Don’t make me laugh.”

“You don’t know anything!” Jasmine snarled back. “You came here, you hurt us and this….” She gestured to the stumps. “This is your punishment and do you know the best thing about it? No matter what you lose, no matter how much pain you feel he’ll never allow you to die. You’ll lie here every night and remember exactly what you did to cause this and you’ll remember us.”

“That may let you sleep at night little girl but what about that one….” The woman laughed, her voice twisting in Jake’s head. “What lie are you going to tell him? Did you tell him how all of your mother’s people took the coward’s path, killing themselves instead of facing us….I bet you won’t tell him how they screamed while they burned.”

“Fuck you!” Jasmine snarled and Jake gaped up at his sister because Jasmine never swore. Her face was twisted with rage and her hands shook as she reached for him. “They weren’t the cowards, you were and you know what? Me and Jake….the half breeds, we’re gonna watch when you lose the rest of yourself….what do you think will go next, your lips or your eyes?” she spat, her lips curling into a cold smile as the woman’s eyes focused on her before she spun on her heels, dragging Jake with her.

“Come back here! You can’t just leave me, come back!”

The woman’s voice echoed after them but Jasmine didn’t slow her pace until they got home.

Slamming the door shut she released Jake’s hand and he stumbled to their sofa, pulling his knees to his chest as he stared at the far wall but all he could see was that woman, what she’d become.

“Was she telling truth?” Jake asked, his voice echoing in the silence that had fallen over them.

“She didn’t know anything,” Jasmine muttered but Jake wasn’t stupid and he glared at his sister.

“That’s not what I asked you,” he pointed out, keeping his gaze steady when Jasmine  turned to face him. “All those things about mom, about the others did they…..” Jake swallowed past the lump in his throat because his mom wouldn’t have done that; she wouldn’t have just left them behind.

Jasmine scrubbed her hands across her face, tugging at the blond strands of hair that slipped across her fingers. “Mom wasn’t like us, you know that,” Jasmine  started as she glanced out the window, her gaze fixed on something Jake couldn’t see. “I think that when the first person looked up there none of them had a choice…maybe they had to look.”

Jake licked his lip and pressed his face against his knees, using the move to hide the tears that he could feel stinging his eyes. “Do you ever want to look?” he whispered and the silence that followed his question felt like answer enough but when the sofa sank with Jasmine’s extra weight Jake let his sister pull him into a hug.

“I won’t, after all, if I’m not here who's gonna take care of you?” she choked out and Jake pretended to not feel the dampness soaking through his hair.

 

*O*

Jake waited until Jasmine left on another of her scavenger hunts before he left the house again. His feet carried him down the once familiar streets and back to the house where he’d seen the woman. She wasn’t there anymore, nothing but a bloody smear along the pavement marked her presence and Jake’s eyes tracked the trail. He could follow it and find her, after all she couldn’t do anything to him….she couldn’t do a damn thing but tell him more lies, or maybe some truths that Jasmine didn’t want him to know.

His indecision kept him glued to the spot until a sound from inside the house caught his attention. Biting his lip Jake moved closer freezing when the sound came again. It was a sound of such abject misery that it made Jake’s gut twist and before he knew what he was doing he was inside the house, following the sound up the stairs.

The banister was covered with dust and every step that Jake took sent clouds of white spiralling into the air.

Fanning a hand in front of his face Jake paused, head cocked as he listened.

The sound echoed from his left and Jake moved towards it, pushing the door open slowly. The hinges screamed like they were being murdered but Jake hardly noticed that, his eyes glued to the person on the bed.

“W-who’s there?” the person croaked, turning his head and Jake gagged as he caught sight of the gaping holes in the man’s face where his eyes had once been. The woman from before had had eyes but that was yesterday. There was a whole night between yesterday and today, maybe this man had lost his eyes because he was worse than the woman or maybe her eyes were gone too. The thought made a vindictive smile stretch Jake’s lips because if anyone deserved to lose anything it was that woman.

“Could you say something, please?” the man pleaded and Jake moved closer, ignoring the tremors that wracked his body.

“Hello,” Jake whispered, taking a hasty step back when what was left of the man’s body began to shake. It took him a second to realize that it was because the stranger was either laughing or crying.

“You sound so young, so young. We haven’t had children here in years, we haven’t had anything but pain in so long,” the man murmured, to himself, the still bloody stumps of his arms flopping on the bed as he spoke, like he was trying to gesticulate.

Jake swallowed, trying to wet his suddenly dry throat. “I’m not like you,” he told the man, as his tail tightened around his leg. This man couldn’t do anything to him just like the woman, he could only tell Jake the lies that he thought would hurt him.

The man’s mouth curved into a bitter smile that made his dry lips crack and start to bleed. Jake’s eyes tracked the man’s tongue as it flickered out to capture the scarlet liquid leaking from the split skin.

“I figured as much,” he responded. “All our children are dead, it was our punishment for coveting what wasn’t ours but you have to understand we were dying over there. The air was filled with smog and we just couldn’t breathe. We begged them to let us come here, we begged and begged but they didn’t. It wasn’t until it was too late that we realized that this place, it wasn’t their paradise it was a punishment….” The man trailed off as another of the tremors made him shake.

Jake’s tail unwrapped from his leg, sneaking its way into his hands as he stared at the shaking body on the bed.

“My mother was from here,” he whispered and the man’s shakes seemed to increase.

“I’m sorry, so sorry but we needed to be here, we thought we needed to be here and then everyone was so angry until we realized what we’d done. I’m so sorry.” The man sobbed but Jake’s eyes just narrowed as he took a step closer because if the invaders had never come, he’d still have his mother and his father, Jasmine  wouldn’t be so scared all the time, terrified that she wouldn’t find enough food for them to survive. If these people had never come here he would’ve still been happy.

“My mom’s gone and my dad. Everyone’s gone because you wanted something that wasn’t yours!” Jake growled as he stepped closer and there was a pressure behind his shoulder blades something he’d never felt before but his rage dulled the sensation and he ignored it as he moved even closer. He could smell the scent of decay and filth that clung to the man’s skin but he kept moving until he could feel the heat of the man’s body.

“I could kill you, you know. Use this pillow and hold it there until you stop breathing. Why do you get to be here when my mom can’t?” Jake snarled and the man’s head snapped towards him, his breathe stuttering from his chest.

“Do it, please just end it,” he begged but Jake shook his head even though the man couldn’t see him.

“I’m not going to. My mom and all of the others, they lived with their punishment. I never understood why she never ever smiled, never laughed…not like my dad did but now I do. You and all of the others, you don’t get the easy way out so fuck you and your death wish. I want you to suffer and know that every breath you draw is your punishment, every second that you wait until the night comes to take away something else, it’s what you deserve.”  Jake spat before turning around and walking from the room, his tail waving in the air behind him.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry……”

The man’s voice echoed through the house as Jake descended the stairs, it followed him outside and onto the lawn.

Inhaling slowly he lifted his head, his eyes focusing first on the trees then on the tops of the houses as tears rolled down his face.

Jasmine would forgive him, she’d have more food if he wasn’t here as a burden.

“I’m sorry, oh God I’m sorry!”

The man’s shouts echoed in Jake’s head as he raised his eyes higher and higher. His hands shook as blue flooded his vision then he was looking up at white masses and a glowing expanse that he’d only ever seen in his father’s books and broken glass shards.

“Oh God, my God why have you forsaken me?”

Jake exhaled as the man’s voice echoed through his head and the skies caught fire.

 

*O*

It was the rocking and the sound of humming that woke Jake. He blinked slowly his eyes focusing on the blurry outline of his sister’s face and Jasmine  smiled at him though the expression was tinged with something that Jake couldn’t understand…..just like he couldn’t understand why he was still alive. He should’ve burned like his mother had after all wasn’t the child of a nephilim just as much of a sin as the nephilim itself?  

Before he could ask Jasmine shifted and Jake’s eyes widened when he realized that they were on a boat, a boat that was moving away from the island.

“It’s ok,” Jasmine whispered. “Dad sent for help and they came, we’re going to be ok,” she murmured, her blue eyes swimming with tears and she didn’t ask, Jake knew that she knew what he’d done but she didn’t ask and Jake didn’t tell her.

Years later, when every record of the island had been erased, when the terrors of their childhood had been reduced to nightmares Jake would tell his teammates that once he’d seen the face of God but that was all he would tell them.

It was a secret he’d take to his grave.

 

*O*

To Cougar Jensen was an enigma, a secret hidden behind so many smoke screens that Cougar didn’t know which one was fake.  It was why he found himself watching the hacker at first; Cougar had never been able to resist a good mystery.

There were moments when Jensen’s manic energy seemed to vanish; leaving him so still that Cougar thought the blond was in a trance. He’d seen that reaction before, in survivors of war or torture, it was a defence mechanism, the body’s way of trying to hide in plain sight. Cougar didn’t know if Jensen even realized that he did it and he didn’t ask, it was Jensen’s secret to keep and the least that Cougar could do was let him safeguard it in peace. Each of them had a story and whether they decided to share it with the others or not was their choice.

After serving alongside Jensen for five years the mystery behind the hacker’s smile wasn’t the only thing that kept Cougar at his side.

Jensen loved like he thought that the object of his affection would vanish at any second. The hacker poured his heart into the act and Cougar revelled in it. He hadn’t made it easy for Jensen either because he had his own issues but Jensen was nothing if not tenacious and Cougar let himself drown in the passion that the blond seemed to exude from his very pores.

Their life was far from perfect but it was good….good enough for them anyway. At least it was until Bolivia.

*O*

Their safe house was little more than a shack at the edge of town but it was run down enough to not attract attention and the Losers didn’t need anyone poking around, not now.

The door slamming shut made Cougar’s eyes open and he glanced to the side at the empty sheets where Jensen had been mere minutes before.

This had been happening for weeks now, Jensen would just leave and Cougar had no fucking clue where the blond was going.  In the beginning Cougar hadn’t noticed it, so wrapped up in his own grief and guilt. None of them had noticed, just like they hadn’t paid attention to the fact that Jensen was the one who suggested that Clay and Roque go to the cock fights. They didn’t question where he’d gotten pictures of a pregnant Jolene for Pooch and Cougar definitely hadn’t asked how Jensen had managed to get them jobs at the toy factory.

They just accepted it because Jensen was still smiling so he had to be ok. It was stupid thing to think because Jensen never stopped smiling even when he was breaking on the inside and out of all of them Cougar should have known that.

Tossing off the sheets, Cougar yanked on his boots and made his way out into the night. The cooler air made him shiver but he barely noticed that, his attention fixed on the bright halo of Jensen’s hair as he moved beneath the street lights.

Cougar followed Jensen to the edge of the town and when the blond climbed on of the small hills that bordered the buildings, Cougar sped up his pace.  

By the time he caught up with Jensen, the man was standing at the top of the hill, his head tilted up as he stared at the skies.

Cougar didn’t make a sound though he was certain that Jensen was aware of his presence, a thought that was confirmed when Jensen started to speak.

“You know it’s really fucked up but sometimes I wished that I could go out the way that my mom did….” Jensen murmured softly and Cougar frowned because Jensen’s mother had died in a fire, Jasmine had told them as much. “God knows I gave it my best shot but I don’t think the big guy wants me up there just yet,” the hacker laughed bitterly and Cougar moved closer, not touching Jensen but close enough to feel his body heat. Jensen’s eyes didn’t leave the sky even as he curled his fingers around Cougar’s.

“We need you here,” Cougar whispered and Jensen tilted his head so that he could glance down at him.

“You don’t need me here, Cougs, sometimes I think that you’d all be better off without me here,” Jensen responded with a small curl off his lips that was too hard to be called a smile. “But it’s ok, I’ll help out however I can and you know why?” he asked, turning his gaze back to the sky when Cougar shook his head. “It’s because no matter how fucked up it gets down here, I know that there’s something waiting for me after I kick the bucket and it’s so fucking beautiful, Cougs, I wish you could have seen it,” he sighed.

Cougar tightened his fingers around Jensen’s. “Whatever is out there I can wait until it is my time,”

Jensen grinned at that, his eyes lighting up in a way that Cougar hadn’t seen in months.  “Yeah, we can wait and who knows by the time we find Max, I might dig up the balls to actually tell you my story.”

Cougar nodded. “Then I will wait until then.”

And he would, he’d wait because the moment that he’d met Jacob Jensen he knew there was something more to the man than met the eye. He’d wait it out because Jensen was worth it, no matter how long it took and after all Cougar was a patient man.

 


End file.
